As for right now, I’m lost. A map, any map, would be greatly appreciated. I’m not the first lost person to feel this way. Lost people just want a way out; they’ll follow any foolish trail.
Lost people are different. They will drive around in the same circle over and over rather than try a new path. Their fear of getting more lost paralysed them into staying lost in the area that’s just become familiar. It supersedes their ability to chart a new course. They circle and backtrack and stay comfortably lost because it’s less scary than seeing something different than what’s presently in front of them.
Then one night, I don’t know, this all stopped seeming so amusing and temporary. And I couldn’t stop crying. And it started feeling like my life was flying by and that I was being careless with the one thing I always claimed to value - my time. I was afraid to go after what I wanted.
I’ve thought for a long time that we were going to end up together, so I didn’t really care so much about the when of it. Now, though, the long road is starting to seem like the infinite road.
I’ve always avoided fights. I make jokes instead. I tell people what they want to hear in order to avoid a confrontation. I pretend to want things I don’t want, and I pretend not to want things I do want. No one gets hurt. Except me. The lines are so crossed and blurred at this point that I don’t know what I want. I just know I want it to be easy.
Every day the opportunity exists to change your life. But most days, the idea of having to change the big things in life just seems like too much work. Should I lie on the couch and watch a movie, or should I confront my personal demons? You get the point.
It’s funny how the prospect of love is so much more interesting when you don’t actually know the person you’re fabricating a fantasy life with. I can’t allow reality to get in my way.
I want love to transform me, and him, and turn us into a happy couple. But as the saying goes that somebody said one time and then it became popular but no one knows who said it - no dice. And that seems really sad to me. But I don’t even experience the sadness. I just think about other things…. like packing it all in and becoming a cake decorator. I think about moving to New York. But mainly, running anywhere sounds good to me.
If it were going to happen, it would have already happened. (Admittedly, even while I’m thinking this, I’m hoping it’s not true. It’s too simplistic, and when you apply the statement to almost any situation, frankly, it doesn’t hold up. I mean, what does its not having happened yet have to do with preventing it from happening in the future? Nothing! Is it a predictor of things to come? Who knows! I don’t want the statement to be true, of course. It’s just true for now. That gets my hopes up, which just lets me down, so I need to stick with this thinking—you see.)